The White Flag...I'm Giving Up!

Well...i've decided to give up on trying to get back into Scott and Megan's circle. I've tried so many times now to become as close to them as i was those four years i knew them before they met each other...but nothing has worked. It's just so hard because i dont understand what's going on anymore with either of them. Why is Scott so depressed? I don't know. What's going on with Megan? I don't know. I don't know because no one tells me anything anymore. Do you know how much that sucks...how much that hurts?

I'm very close to giving up...

...scott and megan have pushed me out of the circle...but not consciously. you see...they used to clue me in on every thing...the way their life was going...the way they felt...their problems, physical and spiritual. but now they've gotten so close that they've shut me out. i try to understand that they can relate to eachother better than any other two friends...but it's hard...i mean, i've known them both for over 3 years and they're both like my siblings...but now that they've met eachother i can barely talk to either of them about any of their problems. like today for example, Megan got into another fight with her boyfriend Tristan. Scott knows what happened because Megan immediately told him about it, when i called scott he told me about Megan and Tristan's fight but he said he couldnt tell me because it was too personal, so i tried calling megan to ask her what had happened...but she didn't pick up...then scott called back and told me that she needed to get her bearings back so she could tell me...but she told scott right after she was done fighting with Tristan. Then later on Tristan and Megan made up and i thought everything was okay again...but then Scott said that it wasn't just Tristan that was making Megan depressed. I told him that i wouldnt know what else because they dont tell me anything anymore...and he just said sorry...but he said it like he didnt really mean it. I'm afraid i'm losing them...and i'm about to give up on them...i dont know what to do anymore. Please God...show me what to do..where are you? Show me...

The Great Scheme

Maybe things will work out in the Great Scheme of things. Maybe the weather will be nicer tomorrow. Maybe the wrongs will turn into rights in the end. We will just have to see.

Right now I'm listening to this song called The Thief...and I realized something...there is a thief among us. This thief stole Scott's happiness, Megan's family, and my friends. Do you know who this thief is? This thief is none other than Satan himself. He realizes that we three are a major threat to him, and he's trying to break us apart. My friends...we can't let this happen. If he breaks us apart now how are we ever going to break from his grasp in the future? In the bible it says that when two or more people are joined together in His name He is in the midst of them. He gives us the power to defeat Satan if we are gathered togethger....that's exactly why Satan wishes to break us apart...we cannot let this happen...we won't let this happen! At least I won't...will you?

The Start of Spring Break kind of went suckish...somewhat...

Well...On monday we didnt do anything...then today we went to Merango Cave...my claustrophobic-ness got in the way of me having a good time. but on wednesday i might be helping my dad look at houses to move into...(we are moving if you didnt know...which you didn't...i never told anyone...and no one will ever know becasue i really dont think anyone reads these things...so yeah...have fun with them apples.) then on thursday i'm goin with scott and megan to Louisville and then on friday im going to watch Monsters vs. Aliens with Scott and Megan and then spedning the night at Scott's. When I'm at Scott's i'll probably end up tracking down Austin. He's one of my best freinds that supposedy moved. But about a month ago he texted megan and said he never really moved...so me and scott went to his house and no one was there...and it looked like no one had been there for a while....Louie, his dog, was even gone! I know he's still alive cause he gets on myspace every so often and sends me an application invite to Mafia. I send him a message but he never replies. I miss him...

Hanging Upside-down Inside-out

I can't do anything! I was born and raised in the country for 11 years of my life. I want to go into the woods! I want to run in the fields! I want to be free! I just Lauren's newest post, and that's how I've felt for 4 years! Lauren...you're not alone! I can't imagine a life where you could have fun in this noisy, foul-smelling, car infested city! Lauren...thank you for describing your feelings...because if you hadn't I probably would have gone crazy trying to figure out how to describe how I've felt for 4 years. I could never freaking describe it...now I can!
I wonder what Kristine is doing right now...

Recharge and Gut Spillage

We all need a recharge. WHO WANTS A RECHARGE! I know I do. Scott and Megan have been having some difficulties...but they're not really discussing them with me...I want to help but I don't want to invade their private space. Scott created a bond with Megan in under 3 weeks. It took me more than 3 years to make that same bond with Megan. But I can understand that...some people are just...made for each other. I want to say something to Megan though...Megan...God is coming after you....and he wants you back.

I will know presume to spill my guts all over this blog.
I feel disconnected...not from God, but from my friends...they barely call me anymore. I actually have to keep sending them emails over and over until they reply. Plus...it seems as if i have been cut off spiritually from them. I want to see them and pray with them...but every time I try and meet with them and pray with them they get all loopy and cut the holy spirit off. Guys...I don't know if you read this really...but if you do...please...i beg you...please don't cut me off completely...you guys are the only two close friends I have...I can't lose either one of you. You both know who you are...I'm pretty sure. If you don't read this then I will call you and get you to read it...I would tell you in person...but I had to spill my guts now...I have been holding it in for far too long.

Thanks and Ventilation (Alllllllright!!!)

Well...my prayers have been answered...I'm being home schooled! Thank you Lord God! I love ya! Of course...that means that i wont be going to atc...but dont worry...i'll be in kansas city when atc is going on...maybe...if i can get it past my mom and dad. Lord I thank you...i thank you for all of the things that have happened in the last week. Good or bad...i know all of those events were for the better. While I'm thanking you Lord. I want to thank you for Kristine and all my friends. Lord God...Megan and Scott are the best...i know that i've kind of shied away from them over the past couple of weeks but that's only because i've been really busy with other things. I can see both of them have grown in the spirit since i met them...and i am very glad that they have. Lord I ask they would delve even depper into your Love and find their identities in you. For knowing we are yours is the greatest part of being a Christian.
Lord God I thank you for Kristine. She is an individual I have come to like...no...love. I love her. I realize for the first time the deepness of that word. How vast and deep love is i know not...but i do know this...i love her. Her smile is still burnt into my mind. When I close my eyes I swear i can see her dancing behind my eyes. Kristine...I know you wont read this...but I love you...I hope that the fire that the Lord has kindled in your heart never goes out. I ask that she would be a light in the dark places and a blessing to those around her. Thank you.

Praying

Okay...my parents and I have been discussing if i should be home schooled next year. They told me to pray about it. Just two minutes ago i was sitting here listening to Shine on by Needtobreathe. I asked Him whether i needed to be homeschooled or not and I got a vision. In this vision there was two roads, each with a demon that was guarding the path, the Lord conveyed to me that these demons were symbols of problems that would be along the way. Then, an angel swooped down and beat down the demon that was guarding the path to the right. Then, the vision was gone and i was aware of the song i was listening, it said that i should move on to something new. Does this mean home schooling? I am not sure. It might be...but it might not be. I'm gonna have to pray about it more. Okay...until next time! See ya!